The look

I was to the point where I was almost shaking, my cheeks were flushed, I could barely move. There's sometimes when he looks at me a certain way, as if the curtains in his eyes that conceal his inner self part for just a moment, he allows me to see him.

I feel understood. I feel at home. I feel ALIVE. I don't feel alive anywhere else. I am put inside a box any other place. I often think, this is what it must feel like to be in the presence of God, like heaven. No expectations, no strict guidelines, just be yourself, you can be at ease, at peace, you are cherished and loved.

This makes so much sense and it makes no sense at the same time. I go through my week, I kill the desires that seem hopeless, the things I think I can never have. But then one look, and everything I've worked so hard at killing blooms like a flower freshly watered from a spring rain. I can't hold myself back from who I truly am. But it also reminds me of how broken my life is, how much pain I am in, things I've done and circumstances I live in, it reminds me that I need God desperately. It makes me sob uncontrollably in the car with the music up as loud as I can get it without hurting my ears. It reminds me of who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. It brings me back to my Lover and Friend, my Jesus who died for me. I can't not be alive now. And then I go home and start the whole thing over again. I want to stay alive, I do, but it's difficult.

Today

So today, the in-laws were coming over with some other relatives, and I had to do one of those mad scramble sort of cleanup jobs on the apartment, to get it ready for them. My husband was 'impressed,' or so he said when he dropped by home mid-morning to change into shorts since it was a warm day and there was no air conditioning in the house he was working in. 6 days ago I kicked the devil out of my life with this kind of weird exorcism talking/praying thing, because I had believed way too many lies for way too long. These lies had taken me down paths I would have never taken had I not truly believed, for instance, that I was a horrible evil person, a whore, poison to everyone and everything around me. One of these things I did that I regret so much, is became too close, too friendly, with a married man. This man has kids and a wife and I talked to him way too often for a while, he didn't seem to mind, it didn't seem to bug him but I knew it was wrong and eventually his wife found out sent me a very angry email. So I stopped talking to him unless it was in a group setting, because we're in a group together and neither of us stopped going, so we still see each other about once a week, sometimes more but always with many other people around. It's not like it was romantic or anything, it was much more like best buddies, but definitely co-dependent.

The thing is, this man is like a male version of me, so he totally gets me. We speak the same language, we're both deep thinkers, intense, and love to have close deep relationships with our friends, while we have acquaintances, and we're very afraid to let people into our little bubble, we'd rather take the leap and be good friends with someone than be superficial. We both love music, we both love people, and there's probably a thousand other things we have in common as well. I like asking his opinion on something because I know he's thought out what he's going to tell you, and if he hasn't thought something out he's not going to bullshit you or make something up.

I'm in a class once a week that talks about emotions, the brain, secure attachment, and what happens when you aren't securely attached to God is your brain, because it doesn't have what it needs to regulate negative emotions and pain, reaches out for something to help, something like cocaine, or ice cream, or alcohol, or prescription medication, or people. When I am not allowing God to be my center, and I start believing lies about myself that cause pain, or if a circumstance happens that causes me pain, I reach for... the phone, or chocolate, or I get on a social networking website. I crave relationships and caffeine. That's my alcohol, if you will.

So when I'm doing well, walking in truth and listening to God and what I know to be truth, I'm alright. But if I think God is not enough to pull me through, I will reach out to people who in my mind are wise, caring, etc. In a sense I ask these people to be what I need, or give me what I need, help my pain go away, and that would be okay if I wasn't asking them to be everything. There's nothing wrong with having friends who help you through hard times, but if they are your idol, if you're elevating them above God, something's wrong. And that's my tendency, to elevate people to the position of deity. So, I'm doing my damndest to change all that.

I'm in a 12-step program, I'm taking this other class as well, I'm keeping my head in check, I filter my thoughts, 'is this going to keep me in the truth or cause me to go back into that vicious cycle that takes me straight into depression?'

More on this later....

Brutal Honesty

That's the point. I can say what I want about what I want to the world without them judging me or even knowing who I am. :-)