The look

I was to the point where I was almost shaking, my cheeks were flushed, I could barely move. There's sometimes when he looks at me a certain way, as if the curtains in his eyes that conceal his inner self part for just a moment, he allows me to see him.

I feel understood. I feel at home. I feel ALIVE. I don't feel alive anywhere else. I am put inside a box any other place. I often think, this is what it must feel like to be in the presence of God, like heaven. No expectations, no strict guidelines, just be yourself, you can be at ease, at peace, you are cherished and loved.

This makes so much sense and it makes no sense at the same time. I go through my week, I kill the desires that seem hopeless, the things I think I can never have. But then one look, and everything I've worked so hard at killing blooms like a flower freshly watered from a spring rain. I can't hold myself back from who I truly am. But it also reminds me of how broken my life is, how much pain I am in, things I've done and circumstances I live in, it reminds me that I need God desperately. It makes me sob uncontrollably in the car with the music up as loud as I can get it without hurting my ears. It reminds me of who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. It brings me back to my Lover and Friend, my Jesus who died for me. I can't not be alive now. And then I go home and start the whole thing over again. I want to stay alive, I do, but it's difficult.